This Is On Me

What I have been blogging about was my parents world. At the same time my world has been crumbling around me. In spite of landing the best job of my life my insides have been dying. You see the fact is that I am an addict. After a back operation in 06 I have been taking vast and mass amounts of painkillers in order to cope with chronic pain. Now I have no idea if the pain is real or I just depend on the meds to cope with my own shortcomings. I am not writing to make excuses but to open the door for my recovery back to the person I once was. I can not say what last Sunday brought me to my senses but by the grace of God it has. I started burning old drug bridges by telling the ones I love the truth about me. You see drugs are nothing more than one lie on top of another lie ...to a point that you are unsure of what the truth really is. So I have begun building new bridges back to recovery. I am a 23 years recovering alcoholic and why I have not drank is a mystery to me. This Sunday is all goes well I going in for a medical detox cause I fear I can not do it on my own. My boss is 100% behind as my friends are and little does my brother know he just may be saving my life. Even now with the truth in the open my body screams you can still wriggle your way out of this and carry on as before. Its not my parents fault, nor my wife's,nor doctors...it falls directly on my shoulders. The guilt, shame that I have lived with has been just mind blowing. Do I have a valid reason to take meds? Yes..but the price is way to high for me to live with. Only God's strength has sustain me with the courage to face this evil that has ruled my life for the past couple of years. I could say crap like ...well its only gotten bad in the last couple of months but that is just another lie my mind trys to tell me.

So pray that God has mercy on my body and mind. I will see you out the other side..God willing....