This Is On Me

What I have been blogging about was my parents world. At the same time my world has been crumbling around me. In spite of landing the best job of my life my insides have been dying. You see the fact is that I am an addict. After a back operation in 06 I have been taking vast and mass amounts of painkillers in order to cope with chronic pain. Now I have no idea if the pain is real or I just depend on the meds to cope with my own shortcomings. I am not writing to make excuses but to open the door for my recovery back to the person I once was. I can not say what last Sunday brought me to my senses but by the grace of God it has. I started burning old drug bridges by telling the ones I love the truth about me. You see drugs are nothing more than one lie on top of another lie ...to a point that you are unsure of what the truth really is. So I have begun building new bridges back to recovery. I am a 23 years recovering alcoholic and why I have not drank is a mystery to me. This Sunday is all goes well I going in for a medical detox cause I fear I can not do it on my own. My boss is 100% behind as my friends are and little does my brother know he just may be saving my life. Even now with the truth in the open my body screams you can still wriggle your way out of this and carry on as before. Its not my parents fault, nor my wife's,nor doctors...it falls directly on my shoulders. The guilt, shame that I have lived with has been just mind blowing. Do I have a valid reason to take meds? Yes..but the price is way to high for me to live with. Only God's strength has sustain me with the courage to face this evil that has ruled my life for the past couple of years. I could say crap like ...well its only gotten bad in the last couple of months but that is just another lie my mind trys to tell me.

So pray that God has mercy on my body and mind. I will see you out the other side..God willing....

From The Land Of ID

Sunday morning in the land of ID. Knight Warren sits and wonders if he should saddle up and ride of to ParentLand. Its been several weekends since he has made that trip.His mind is ablaze with the thoughts of what could be his price to pay for such an act, Oh yes-rest assure that there will be a price to pay.Yesterday was spent with Madam Mary looking for treasures at other castles in the land of ID. The land of ID is not far from ParentLand but nearly not far enough..
Fears of losing the King and Queen have often at times made my decisions for me. Yet the toxic waste that lays in ParentLand consumes me all to much. My saddle grows cold.

Lost In Never Never Land

As always we find Parentland in the middle of nothing. The King of Parentland has been reunited with the Queen. The King has his own room as not to disturb the Queen. Sadly the King can no longer stand upright as he is now confined to a wheelchair. This is the newest twist to the world of Parentland where real life is left to hang in the air. The King and Queen have been together for so long its is only fitting that once again they rule the Parentland Kingdom. Squire Robin has taken the point as I have removed myself from Parentland cause there is a toxic substance that has cause me harm. I pray for strength and courage to once again to face Parentland this Sunday as it is my duty to endure whatever Parentland has to offer. Does God dwell in Parentland? At one time I believed so but the King no longer excels at what he preached. I believe that the Queen has the connection but is ruled by the wits learn in the former glory days of the kingdom. The kingdom now has grown small and hollow as I walk the halls of the castle of Parentland. I pray I can take with me the God given sense and strength to endure the kingdom. Having talked with Squire Mark I feel renewed and able to face the vast emptiness of Parentland. Thank you Mark for sharing with me things I already know but needed to hear.

"The Truth May Set You Free But It's Bound To Piss Off Somebody"

PurpleHaze in ParentLand

Well for those or anyone that may have the time to read this bloody thing here it goes. I now have access form my work so who knows what I may write now-lol.
In the wonderful world of ParentLand......The King can not have his hip replacement surgery so its a wheelchair for the remaining days he has on this earth. I state as such cause he will not last long I believe cause his failure to give a crap about most everything.The Squire Robin once again pull off no less a miracle to get back at the center where my mom is. He will have his own room due to the fact Hospice will be on board to help him out. This pulls a lot of weight off the Queen of ParentLand.
Ask by Squire Robin what King of ParentLand wanted his reply was to be with the Queen and out of pain.
So the king will now along with the Queen receive a steady dose of drugs that will enable them to float from day to day in a drug induced haze. Pretty sad when all you have to look forward to is the next dose you receive. Hell-at that rate he just may make it longer than I expect. The Queen of ParentLand has not been happy cause her loyal subjects have not provided enough attention. The King and Queen both vie for attention.The royal phone seems only to work in one direction which is one of the strange happenings in Parentland.
If and when my time comes to enter into a ParentLand of my own I will not linger in the kingdom for very long. I will pull in the royal drawbridge and burn the castle around me before I have to live in a world such has been made by the King and Queen
So the Kingdom of ParentLand enters into what maybe the last chapter. I have to say its a kingdom by their own design but sadly not to their liking. So goes on the sad story of the King and Queen in the wonderful twisted world of ParentLand.

My Man Cave

Funny how habits just form without little notice. Living fairly far from town I end up spending most of my time at home after work.I have a room that has a bunch of electronic goodies. I all at once surround by all kinds of noise. The TV on with somebody singing away,the cb radio blaring out some skip coming in from New Jersey, the phone ringing with somebody wanting money,the the computer screen showing vast and mass amounts of streaming rain coming my way. I would venture a guess that I have sensor overload but in that sense its a world at your finger tips. I now have a phone that will do most anything but I use it to do nothing. I just wondering sometimes what all this really meaning when you have so much input coming in but so little input going out. I forget to get up off my butt and walk into the other room to tell my wife hello. Or to take the time to play with my dog...or to take a moment to tell those I love I love you. So if I haven't told you lately I love you....the best thing I have heard or said today....
God Bless and hold tight what is most important to you....Peace Out...Uncle Grumpy

I think I will get up now......

Blog,Blog,Blog,Blog

Its a real bummer when you want to blog but with nothing of great value to write about...welll...that says it. Now we have twittering I believe its called. Real time updates on what people are doing. Man would you ever be bored if I pulled that crap off. The problem I guess is I feel so darn guilty of having nothing but gloom to write about. The blues have landed and taken root in my brain.My weekends have been spent cramming two days worth of stuff into one day so I can make it over to see mom and dad. The sad part is I don't even enjoy seeing dad at all and do whatever I can to avoid having to spend time with him. Mom on the other hand is very grateful to get out and kinda fun to be with but that all changes when we go see dad.Be kind to your kids cause they may be the ones taking care of you when you get old-lol.
Work is slow and growing hotter by the day. Summer is upon us and it makes for long days. My get up and go just go up and went. So that's all folks for the flatland of Florida..Uncle Grumpy

Easter In Parent Land

I must say this was the most God-less Easter I have ever spent with my parents. Other than a quick prayer at lunch God's name was not spoken once except for maybe a God Dan- or two. Got to mom's place about eleven and Robin was already there. Joy oh joy the clash of the control freaks. Ding round one -what snacks do we bring to dad and on and on and on. Of course it was a draw...no one wins in Parent Land. Then it was off to lunch where I was introduced for the tenth time to the same people. Seems people in Parent Land have to repeat the same thing over and over. In Parent land if you are not a direct member of that Land your are not there as shown by mom not introducing Mary once. This of course turn the Land of Uncle Grumpy into a great issue. Now when the two Lands are at war Uncle Grumpy has great fear which takes the form of great anger. Uncle Grumpy is aware of this and spent the lunch wanting to scream but I knew better. The result would have been banishment from Parent Land and a sound beating from his brother. Seems brother had had a tiff with Queen Susan and all was not well in Brother Land. Have not quite figured out why Brother Land has taken such a keen interest in Parent Land in the last year. Guilt, pity, revenge,love?...whatever the reason I sure as heck could not do what Brother Land does. I know the land of Uncle Grumpy is not always neat and tidy but for all the tea in China would in want to live in capital of anger--Brother Land. After two long hours of listening to the King of Parent Land tell us he wasn't going to make it ...it was over. Funny how the King laughs and jokes with the staff and reserves the vile nature of his mood for his family.

I would like to take a second to thank an angel that brought the true meaning of Easter in her message to me today. I shared that message with the other half and she says thanks also. You are a wonderful person and your children show that also. We are so very happy to have you in the sane part of our Land. God Bless you and Thanks You J !!!!!

Hippy Hop

Well its Easter time again and another weekend in Parent Land.My brother and his...hmmmm not sure of what to call her... are going to be there also. I have to say not the place highest on my list to be at. As far as I can tell mom is OK but in Parent Land that is not always true. I have heard from mom that dad did a little hobble today so I guess he is doing what they say. Last weeks visit with mom was not fun. As soon as we got to the rehab mom started barking orders to all of us. I do understand it is cause she is concerned about dad but dang it was rough.So at this point it looks like its lunch at the assisted living place with a family visit to dad in rehab. Not really bitching ...just rundown from the week and a killer toothache. That will put anyone in a bad frame of mind I guess. So on that note I wish one and all a Happy Easter and offer up a prayer for you and yours..... Peace... Uncle Grumpy

Strain On The Brain

I have not posted for awhile cause I am not sure what to say. Seems like everything is just running together in one big blur. Work is going great for the most part. Got to meet a P47 Thunderbolt Pilot today that flew 63 missions in WW2 in Europe. I do not know if I have said in previous post but I work in a VA National Cemetery. I maintain the grounds, transport caskets to the casket field and most important to me setting of the headstones. I am a supervisor of a crew of three. We are a contractor on site and work with the VA crew's . I was blessed with this job just over three months ago. Enough of that...its now off to Parent Land. Dad is in rehab and I don't think he is fully out of woods from the operation. Mom is hanging on by a thread cause she can go see him but will not without me or my brother being there. I have been there every weekend for the past three weeks and I am wearing pretty thin myself. So Parent Land is in two different places right now. Running in high gear all the time seems to have a toll on one's self.
When I say I don't know what to say...well.. its just that...what can you say when your thoughts all run together?Mixed with work,family,home......ahhhh home....not a big bright spot for me. I love my wife completely but sometimes it feels like a competition to see who says they have worked the hardest. I know we are both tired and strained but reaching across that unsaid line seems like a million miles at times. I am just friggin tired......but carry on. So for not having anything to say I just chatted away...Lord I hope this helps.... Peace Out....Uncle Grumpy

You Just Never Know

Just when I want to disown my brother he goes and does something noble. He went to see mom today and had lunch with her. He felt something wasn't right with dad and went to the hospital. He was right. Dad has not been eating or responding at all since the operation. He went back and got mom. She was able to get dad to respond and in a little while dad ate something. Then he went back and fed dad dinner. He can be such a pain in the butt and then be such a saving angel.
He makes me mad as hell and proud in the same sentence. Then again both of us are products of Parent Land. I can't tell you just how helpless and useless I feel---then envious that he can be there for them while I can not be. At the same stroke of the key he is well suited for getting things done for them ,not to say I couldn't but not in the same manner. God Bless you brother--
if you only knew just how grateful I am but sorry to say you may never know. That in itself is a grave loss cause life is way to short. Sad that I will never measure up to you in your eyes.....

Back From Parent Land

You never really get to leave Parent Land so I don't know why I said that. Leaving Parent Land is forbidden. In Parent Land time stands still and you become whatever age Parent Land chooses. Heck, I don't make the rules folks its just the way it is in Parent Land.
My dad came out of the operation well and is resting. They were able to pin the hip. He is looking at about two to three months in rehab.Now if you don't already know by now that means that Parent Land can be in two places at one time. That means twice the fun cause both can want you to do two things at once. Of course this is not possible but in Parent Land that does not apply. Please see earlier blog for that info. Worn to a nub...that's about it......Uncle Grumpy

Rollercoaster

Well new news in Parent Land. Seems dad got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and fell. Falling is not a big problem for most people ...its the landing that's a bitch. His landing was none to good. Its seems it is a broken hip at this point. You have to remember that news out of Parent Land can often be limited. H goes under the knife at 8 o'clock tomorrow morning and its a 50/50 shot on whether anything can be done.The last couple of weeks at least have been a constant roller coaster of emotions. I, for one want off the ride. But it doesn't work like that in Parent Land. It only gets faster and faster till all you can do is hang on for dear life. Now don't get me wrong...I do know that this ride will end someday and I am going to wish I was back on.This Parent Land ride has a nasty side effect of sucking the life right out of the body. Some kind of ride huh? I pray and pray hard that God's will be done cause I am running on just about empty. SOOOO Step right up boys and girls...Men and women of all ages....The ride is about to begin.....again...... Peace
Uncle Grumpy

Over The Top

That's what today felt like. Just over the top. Work went very well with much getting done. The guys came together and really put in a great day. Called mom three times today 9,2,and 8. At the eight o'clock phone call got to talk to dad for a minute. They had him exercising which is the best thing for him. Hospice came by and said they seem to be doing fine and left. I really don't understand that but I was not there. There may be more than meets the eye with that one.
Came home and worked around the house until dark. Oh yes I am going to feel this one tomorrow. That's the price I pay for doing what I do. I just do not have a very good sense of balance. It seems its all or nothing for me. Either I am running at a hundred miles an hour or just not moving at all. I am grateful that I have a living God in my life that takes me as I am. Make the most of what is in front of you cause this isn't a dress rehearsal for sure. So its off to bed, then off to one more day in this week....boy o boy........ Peace Be With You....Uncle Grumpy

What Direction?

Its now Wednesday night and I sit at the computer wondering what direction? What direction in the sense of where do I go from here. I fell asleep after I got home at five and slept till nine-thirty. I awoke to a message from my daughter concerning mom and dad. Seems dad got out of the hospital and was back with mom this evening. It seems dad has lost the willingness to do just about anything at this point and is basically waiting to die. It is so sad to watch the process but it has been happening for awhile now. Once he stepped away from the church he has been doing nothing but burning time.
My daughter had quite the conversation with my mom tonight. God bless her she is just like my mom. The family as a whole has issues which is a understatement. I am not one to be throwing stones living in a fragile glass house myself. My mom in spite of having cancer and COPD is pretty sharp. Being that,she is looking for a way out of her mess but is finding her options are limited. I have so little to offer her. Mary and I have told her if anything was to happen to dad that we would bring her home with us. As scare as that makes me I would do so cause its the right thing to do. One of the hardest things to face is the fact that my dad has no real will to live. I believe if not for my moms love for him he would have given up long before now.
So all is not well in Parent Land right now. Their story is far from over and still very fluid. I just keep plugging away at these keys hoping that I will find some sense of relief from the emotions churning inside. I do know that the only true relief is in Gods hands. At times like this I see the human limits and the vast world that God has. I wish I could say I have a steadfast understanding of what I am to do but I really do not..hence the title...what direction?

I Owe, I Owe, Its Off To Work I Go....

Well alright then. Time to lock and load...time to hit the ground running...time to sh#t and get..
time to...ahhh you get the picture. Another fine Monday morning and I swear my head woke up thirty minutes before I did. Granted my work load this week is going to be heavy but heck do I need to start worrying already? Turn it over,turn it over,turn it over is what I need to do. Turn it over to what you say...to God I say but the head wants to disagree. At times like this I focus on what will give me strength and its not the brain strain of human thinking. I will dwell on the thought that" All things are possible through Jesus Christ who Strengthens me ". This is Gods day and I will just be showing up in it. I think fear is one of the most useless emotions known to me. It erodes the very fabric from which I am wrapped. Today I not feeling real tightly wrapped in the first place but will put one foot in front of the other,knuckle down,get on with it,make the best of it,well....you get the picture...time to get on with it...
Peace,
Uncle Grumpy

And On The Seventh Day He Rested

Maybe he did but he is God and I am not. Its 6:30 pm and for the first time since seven am I can take a breather. We were off to Parent Land today. When I got there I was surprised to find only mom. Seem she had dad taken to the hospital yesterday. Now failure to tell me is nothing new due to this crazy family thing of informing the person after the event happens. The reason is a thin vail of an answer wrapped up in the thought we would just worry. Why heck yea I would worry...any reasonable person would. But reason is not a strong suit when it comes to Parent Land. As stated before - Parent Land does not have to use or have logic.
We went and saw dad at the hospital. To me really he seem better than he was Thursday. At least he could complete an entire sentence and thought. We only stayed a little while before it was off to the house for mom. Overall it was a pretty good day. I did not realize that mom had not been back to the house since Thanksgiving. That is way to long since its just across the street. I plan on seeing that the time frame in between is not so long for now on.
I talked to the nurse and several test had already been done. All came back with good results but dad is just not responding . I am unsure at this point what direction things will go in. If improvement is made we made plans soon to have them over to our house for the weekend. I think mom really enjoyed just getting out with the world. Even though the place they are at is very nice I would think it would get pretty small after awhile.
Now that I have family reading my blog I was wondering if I would censor my thoughts or not.
Not is what I come up with. I started typing this as an outlet in which I can try to express the vast and mass amount of screwed up thinking. This is not meant to hurt or disturb anyone but me. I find by putting my head on paper it gives the heart a chance to see the real deal that surrounds me daily. If you find something here that helps-great- take what you need and leave the rest. I am but one man going thru life on a shoestring. If that shoestring is left untied to long I will surely trip.
So bid you Good Sunday! For this is a day freely given to you to enjoy. I pray you do so...its your choice...as it is mine.....
Peace to You,
Uncle Grumpy

Well Now, I Say, I Say Now

Ever wake up in the morning thinking its one time and realize later it was way earlier? Then it is to late to lay back down cause you know you will not get back up. In my best FogHorn-LegHorn voice-" I Say...I Say...Boy! I 've been Robbed I Say!" I have done that recently twice cause my belief in my alarmclock is just not that strong. The radio alarm clock shows battle scars from years of service. We have had the bloody thing for over twenty two years! It was a wedding present from my folks. Dents and dings from various early morning attacks from the bedside.Then there is where I had to pry the snooze button back up after a hard landing on the floor. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking...

After only three months at my new job I have worked into a pretty good morning routine. Being self employed for over two years it was easy then to blow off the urgent need to rise butt early in order to prepare for my day. That is now not the case at all. The twenty minute ride to work has even gotten werid cause I am starting to notice the other same workers ants as we surry off at the same time.

My mornings start off in one of two ways..1) Cat Stevens singing" Morning has broken ..like a

beautiful morning...... OR 2) a line from a movie" I love the smell of napalm in the morning!!"

I believe the actor was Robert Duv___? Spelling braincell not awake as of yet. Vietnam war movie I think. I have come to realize that my brain is not user friendly. You may find that is a

common theme that I fall back upon.

First and foremost the morning allows me the time to spend with the God of my understanding.

I refer to this quiet time in such a manner as not to offend your beliefs however strange they may seem to me. Do not take me wrong either...I am not a Liberal...or LeftWing thinker...nor am

I a Conservertist or RightWing hardas_. I do think when it all boils down God is ...just that simple...God is...put whatever you like after that. So By The Grace Of God....Cat Stevens is playing in the background(symbolic only folks) for this morning......now where was I? Oh that's

right...Dear God, Thank You for this day and all that it will be...Thank You you God for allowing me another day of awakening....on..and on.....and on...yawn....and on...an

T. G. I. F.

Well Friday rolls around and the storm clouds are no longer as dark as before. The word over the line is there is slight improvement with movement. I will take it. My Dad has seem found the inner strength to gut it out and has made an effort to get better. I was just not so sure to tell you the truth. When all his sentences were three or four words follow by grunts...well...that paints a picture in itself. I guess I deal with the total realism of life and to often forget their is wide gray area of unknown. My brother said the other night about faith...Believing without Seeing....boy that has stuck to me.It sure needs to.
After helping out a friend on Saturday ( self note....just be willing to be willing...) I will be off to Parent Land on Sunday. To me Parent Land is a place where fact and truth at times hold no true meaning. If meaning is found it is often changed to suit whatever the need the parent wants. That seems to make little sense after reading it back but in Parent Land it doesn't have to. Parent Land can have everything you can hope for and in the same breath everything you have nightmares about. Oh by the way..Parent Land is open 24/7..seven days a week.
I really rode out on a limb with that and fell off. Getting back to dad..facing the fact of losing him..either soon or sooner has brought out a whole host of new issues. My oldest brother that has been controlling Parent Land for the last couple of months finally called. Now it was not much of a conversation really...he yelled I listen and then he hung up. He seems to have a slight anger problem..ok..he has a BIG anger problem but that is none of my business. It is just a real bitch trying to have a meaningful conversation with someone that is in a constant state of being pissed off. When he is not,there are verbal landmines all around. You never know what going to trigger a big boom. He affords himself all the rights that came with it and none of the owning up for the aftermath. I see it clearly cause in a lesser degree (gulp) I suffer from the same thing. When anger engages - brain disengages...not a good combo platter. I can tell by my writing (started with dad -ended with brother)this troubles me still. I want to have a relationship with him but this does not seem to be the case. He rebuilt my entire first house and I swear I would have fired him if I hadn't been so scared of him. He would yell and cuss-I would ask what I did--he would say he was talking to himself. hmmmm..no kind of negative feeling towards your yourself? No matter what..in spite of all he is ..I love him as only a brother can. My family has lost two already and there are no more coming.
So as my Friday evening starts to wrap I reflect on the past week. I try to remember everyday is not a dress rehearsal...one get only one shot at the moment--then its history. I pray for forgiveness on somethings and celebrate the joy of others. No matter what-that week is gone.
I will strive to be the best Uncle Grumpy I can be...everyday 24/7...7 days a week...
Peace Be With You

The Life and Times Of Uncle Grumpy

First let me be the first to say that I never thought I would be doing a Blog. It's not really a generation thing but at fifty three...well its new ground. My brothers daughter has a blog that has inspired me. The point at which is opens up is not the most happy but we never get to pick our times do we? Both my parents are still with me but are in declining health. My dad is the one right now with major isses even though my mom has colon cancer that is terminal. She has been fighting this with great strength and faith but at eighty three the body is wearing out.

Now my Dad...so much just floods my brain when I think of him. His life has been pretty wonderful in what he has done with it. Thirty some years in radio and tv...with another twenty at the pulpit of the Methodist Church.Mix with that the loss of a son and daughter way to early He has not always been the kindest of men but in the overall look he has done well. I could bitch and complain about this and that he did in my life but it would hold no ground in what it is now. Things are just moving to fast in my life to hold grudges or hateful thoughts on how parenting skills hold up under the light of day. If I were to do that my would be judged much,much harsher.

Today I spent some hours with he and my mom. His health has reduced him to almost nothing.Unable to do the simple task of walking, his life is filled with meds and doctors. They live in a assited living place with is great but I really believe we got them there to late for them to enjoy the things that are offered. Fluid has gathered in his body and around his heart. He has been to the hospital several times only to be sent back with a " thats all we can do" sendoff. Oh our wonderful medical system but I won't go there. Will he bounce back or is this the last run down to the wire? I know that only one person has that answer and he is not saying at this point.My faith as a whole has been heavily tested as of late but faith I have. Lets say its a family thing. This limbo land of the unknown has got me just swirling about...unable at times to make simple decisions on what path to take next for him. I find myself so limited on what I can do for him ...that in itself is grinding at my heart.

Do I know where I am going with all this? If you are reading this and saying"He could really use some lessons on sentence placement and spelling in general"...well you would be right. I use this as an insight to me as well as a door to you. You may choose at any time to close that door but to those who bear with me I say welcome to just one world of millions. There will be if granted time to look into the wonderful world of Warren but as know this is what faces me at the moment.

I ask in all earnest that you pray for the will of God to be .....heck I don't even know. Whatever you believe in,whatever you pray to or not pray to, I ask you hold my fathers name (Ray)up in thought or prayer.

So this opens my blog. Man oh man...I just thought it would be different. As it is said " It is what it is".

By the way...the title of Uncle Grumpy is not a bad thing..it was given to me by a woman that has a heart of gold and great faith in the Lord. Thanks Regan..I find much comfort and peace in your blog.

My peace be with you.......

Uncle Grumpy